I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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