Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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