may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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