My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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