I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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