I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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