I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm really busy with my period
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