On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
