OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
