I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
