I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
