theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
