I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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