R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
