I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
