dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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