Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
