I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
