sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
