I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
