So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
