Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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