I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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