i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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