Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She needs sedatives and a leash
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
