the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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