the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
40s are totally the cure
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
