My friends, they love my intelligence
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
