i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
