How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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