I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
