he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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