I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize