1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
