You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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