somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just found a bag of teeth...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
