She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
