About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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