A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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