What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
