wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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