If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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