Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He did a backflip because drugs
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