I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
