Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
