i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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