My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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