the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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