i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
