we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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