$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
