he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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