There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
